How Your Mature Femininity Can Save society
How Your Mature Femininity Can Save society
In the wake of this past Mother’s day, I wrote a rather personal message to the women on my mailing list about how to embrace your incredibly powerful mature femininity. ( If you’re not yet on my list download the report below!) It’s time I share it with you.
It’s about healing.
It’s about the extraordinary strength of your love as a Woman.
I hope you read it and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
The Mother’s Day ‘holiday is always somewhat sad for me. It reminds me of what was always missing in my life…
a wise, warm, WOMANLY heart…
nurturing me, cherishing me, and keeping me safe…
a woman whose persistent, unconditional love and boundless support remind me that I am a person worthy of being loved…imperfections and all.
My Mom’s been gone a few years now. She gave me none of those things. She only knew how to take.
For a long-time I harbored some small HOPE that she would change, which was contrary to all logic.
I was in my 40s when I finally caught on that Mother (that’s what she liked to be called) — in virtually any given moment — was never going to be able to care about me more than she cared about herself.
My mother was incapable of love, affection, and intimacy.
Incapable of crying over someone else’s pain.
Incapable of seeing me, past herself.
Unable to throw in the towel one bit of herself to bring JOY to others…
unless it first fed her need to get what she wanted and to become primary person in the room.
After living for 88 years, I don’t think my mother ever experienced love. Even for herself.
How utterly awful.
I believe that being able to give love freely and fearlessly is life’s ultimate achievement…especially for women like us.
Growing up without the kind of ‘I see you and you may be my #1 kind of love makes its mark on a woman’s entire life.
I had a great career, friends, things…but always felt a hole. I had never experienced feeling loved simply for who I was…
until I met my husband.
I was single for decades. My countless tries at the love thing all failed miserably. Almost every day I felt so frustrated by being unable to SHARE all the LIKE I had to give.
I finally came to understand that I didn’t know how to love or be loved. I mean in the pure, uncompromising sense. The idea actually terrified me.
It meant leaving myself open to disappointment.
It meant trusting…myself and a man.
It meant being the V-word!
I had built a wall around myself…my Wall of I Dare You.
It took me years of coaching and therapy to figure out that I was so scared of being rejected I covered up the essence of who I was…
as a person and as a woman.
I am a sensitive, kind, and immensely compassionate.
I’m not one for superficiality. I THRIVE on making genuine connections with people. I NURTURE meaningful, tender, honest relationships.
But being That Woman out in the world was way too scary.
Instead, I delivered myself as Ms. I-Don’t-Need-Anyone tough chick.
I acted superior and judgmental.
I responded with sarcasm when I felt or disrespected. (Thanks, Dad, for teaching me the art of sarcasm!)
I had an edge just hard enough to let men ( and some women) know that they’d get cut if they DARED come too close or reject me in any way.
I was proud of being that HARDENED.
And I always thought that ‘the right man’ would see beneath my hard exterior into the REAL ME. I thought that the right man would be willing to climb my wall.
No man ever did.
(I knew this all only in retrospect, of course.
Should you want to know the essentials of how I shifted from being closed off and scared to a woman who openly loves and accepts love, read my ebook 7 Secrets to Finding like after 40.)
My life is really so different now.
When I think of how happy I feel OPENLY LOVING my husband, being there unconditionally for my friends, and doing my work HELPING YOU live a life filled with love…
I can’t imagine how dismal life would be were I to get a hard heart like my Mother.
Good Men are DRAWN to your femininity.Find out how to express yours HERE!
My Mother was so closed off and incapable of giving or receiving what is the most basic aspect of our humanness…and most particularly our femininity.
Can you relate at all?
Do you ever feel like you’re not the ‘real you’ in the field?
Do you ever wish you could just LET GO to give and receive love without any barriers? Without any FEAR?
Do you ever feel like you’re hiding that sweet, feminine side of you behind a *seemingly* protective wall?
Not with everybody else, you say? Only with men?
Well, I am able to tell you this from experience:
Should your wall is up when it comes to men…if you are holding back and trying to protect yourself…I can almost guarantee you that you are holding back love in all parts of everything.
I believe that giving and receiving LOVE is our #1 reason for existing on this planet.
Not buying stuff.
Not traveling or being entertained.
Not being the best at a particular skill or vocation.
As WOMEN, we have such POWER!
We feel so deeply that it hurts.
We distress if those around us are not happy and healthy.
We throw our arms around those we love.
We cry when we see people in need.
Here’s something I finally learned and embraced:
Women can change people’s lives with the simplest show of our enormous love.
Any time you try to be a loving person, you’re doing your part to SAVE the WORLD. ~ Marianne Williamson
Okay, returning to Mother’s Day.
For me, Mother’s Day is about our enormous ability to LOVE.
For most of my life I had thought of it as a day that reminded me of what I have missed in my life.
Then, a couple of years ago I got an email that totally shifted my perspective.
This email reminded me that this day is about love, not about buying a Mom a card. Not even about not being loved by your Mother.
To hell with my old story…I am capable and in fact quite expert, at loving and being loved.
I worked hard to get here. I Rock Like!
Listed here is part of that email:
There is a story society has told you about Mother’s Day. It goes like this: Mother’s Day is about a certain kind of love. A love that is pink and fluffy and soft and certainly will be bought at the store. We have a truer, more exciting story to tell you. It goes like this: Mother’s Day IS about Love.
But it’s not about commercial, comfortable love that snuggles up and stays home—it’s about love that throws open the door and marches out of our homes, beyond our fences and neighborhoods and into the hurting world to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, comfort the hurting, mother the motherless.
Mother’s Day was not created by Hallmark, but by a revolutionary warrior for peace. Julia Ward Howe — abolitionist, activist and poet — was the founder of the original Mother’s Day Proclamation in 1870. Tired of war, tired of tribalism being valued above the lives of the vulnerable, her pain became her mission. She called out for revolution. She called the day of the revolution: Mother’s Day.
Did you know that?? I didn’t until I read that email.
It has stuck with me for years.
All I could think after reading it was *damn, I LOVE WOMEN!*
The email shared about an organization called The Compassionate Collective, which was led by women such as Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert. (It is no further active, but they raised millions of dollars. They now refer you to another organization called TogetherRising.org .)
This collective of compassionate, powerful women formed this organization to ‘mother the motherless. And to make Mother’s Day about women recovering society.
Because that, my sister, is what we women do.
Good Men are DRAWN to your femininity.Find out how to express yours HERE!
Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate our beautiful, wide-open, loving hearts.
In the place of whining about what my Mom wasn’t, I feel the PRIDE – plus the power – of being the open, loving, compassionate woman she could never be.
As it said on the Compassion Project site (from Brene Brown’s brilliance, no doubt):
Courage and compassion are contagious – people want to be brave but they need you to be brave first.
Seriously, it took courage for me to take down my walls and RISK showing love, and letting love in. After 14 years with Larry, I still have moments when I feel like putting my protective wall back up.
But I don’t. I know the reward for staying open is far too great.
(in addition it took some courage to write this long-ass letter to you, btw.)
If you’ve resonated with any such thing I’ve shared, now it’s some time to be brave.
Show your courage by openly expressing your loving-kindness.
Lower your wall knowing you might get pelted with some pain, but that you can never experience pure joy without taking that risk.
SHARE your delicious feminine self with the people you love and even the people that you don’t yet know. Even when it’s a little scary.
Look at the men around you with compassion, understanding that, they too, are yearning to love and be loved…and like you might be petrified at the thought of being rejected.
If you are ‘hiding’ behind your wall as I did for so many years…
courageously EXPLORE what you’re hiding from. (This is likely what is keeping you from the very thing you want most that you know.)
Give yourself permission to be in society just like the woman you may be with your loved ones and girlfriends. SHE is the woman who will ATTRACT LOVE right back.
Travel through society with an open heart. That, my sister, is a real show of your strength.
Today, on Juneteenth, I’m publishing this letter that I recently sent to the members of my Date Like a Grownup community claiming my stand on the Black Lives point movement.
If you don’t have the time to read the full letter, the synopsis is this:
I stand 100% with the black community and the Black Lives point movement.
Since sending, I’ve received countless replies. Almost all thanking me for taking a public stand (not necessary at all) and, primary, letting me know that they stand with me. So many amazing women also shared their personal stories, which I’m honored to be trusted with.
There were also the few telling me that I was destroying my business in addition they no longer wanted to be part of our community. That will be okay. In truth, I hope you stand with me because we require you. If not, I wish you only the best.
Here is the letter.
Dearest Grownup Dater,
I’m embarrassed that I haven’t written you yet to directly explore what’s been happening in the US and around the world over the past few weeks.
I’ve been really scared.
I’m scared of saying too much and stepping on ignorance-induced landmines…
or not saying enough and seeming unfazed.
But I can’t stay silent…
because I think it’s important you know that I stand 100% with the black community while the Black Lives point movement.
I know how incredibly lucky I am to have been born to my white, Jewish, upper-middle-class family.
I have done nothing special to earn or deserve the privilege that has been afforded me from birth.
I also know that Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Sandra Bland, Philando Castile, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, and a huge number of other black people do NOT deserve the cruelty, dehumanization, and disrespect they tolerate each and every day of their lives…
solely by virtue of to whom they were born.
After 400+ years of institutionalized white supremacy, we are being asked to face our biases and systemic injustices.
It’s so uncomfortable as a white person to explore.
This discomfort is good though.
It’s about damn time.
So I finally realized that I have to get over myself, because hey…I’m talking to you, my dear Bobbi.
You may be here because you know that
love is as important to our lives as the air we breathe and what is happening in the world in its most simplest form is about love.
Austin Channing Brown says this: The work of anti-racism is the work of becoming a better human to all humans.
Pretty. Damn. Simple.
And, actually, as part of this community, you have been doing that kind of work in your own way.
You’ve been unlearning and learning, and practicing kindness and compassion for men (who are so different from you!). You’ve been taking emotional risks, taking some uncomfortable hits, and opening your heart more and more each day.
I admire you for being here.
I know you are a strong, smart, and very special woman.
And I absolutely know you have a boatload of love in your heart.
I hope you can expect to stand with me as I unlearn and learn about what it’s choose to have black skin in this society.
Should you want to become an ally (like I do!) you’ve probably already been watching, reading, and listening to people share their life experiences and depth of feelings.
I wanted to fairly share some resources that have helped me start to understand things about the black experience that never entered my mind…b ecause they didn’t have to.
I’m hoping some of those are new to you and can add real value to your personal journey.
Confessions of a former bastard cop helped me understand how good both women and men could become so cruel and unjust.
Trevor Noah eloquently schools us on the American contract that’s been broken.
A Black woman talks about our broken social contract and the significance of looting. This is extremely raw but taught me something so surprising and important.
Austin Channing Brown gives perspective on anti-racism, the dignity of ‘black womanhood and shares many tools and actions.
Where Do We Go From Here with Oprah Winfrey
Brene Brown has excellent interviews with black leaders, activists, authors, etc.
And look, if you’re not interested, ready, or in alignment with my message, I get it. If you no longer feel that I am top coach to help you find love, feel free to make a connection with someone you feel better matches with your perspective. I wish you well and hope you keep a open heart and open mind as this journey continues.
This is just the beginning for us, isn’t it?
As always, I’m sending this with my love and committed support. Be safe and well.